Okay, this may sound calculated but I’m going to ask you to do an analysis of your friends and put them into categories. Your time is your most precious resource and the people you send it with have an influence on your motivation, happiness, self confidence and other important identity factors. While YOU are the creator of your reality (and you must take responsibility for this), they have an influence (you can take responsibility for this too!). If you don’t stop to think about what that influence is and how you can use it to improve your life, you will be passively reacting to the social forces around you rather than driving the ship.
Here’s what to do: List your friends. Go through social media contacts, look through your whatsapp conversations and group members, look through your text messages and compile a comprehensive list of everyone you interact with socially or professionally.
Then, put them into categories from A – G as follows, and consider implementing the advice for each group.
A Inner circle – nurture and support these people. There’s no limit to the depth of a quality friendship! Give as good as you get.
B Want to get to know these people better – These friends may be new, travel or work a lot or otherwise be intermittent in your life, but you want more! Initiate and proactively get to know these people better and if they inspire and add to your life in a positive way, build that friendship.
C Useful connection – Some people may not be BFF material because you can’t completely reveal your true colors but they are wise, helpful, admirable or otherwise worth maintaining a relationship with. Offer value, probe for and accept value. What gifts can you share?
D Acquaintance, part of a larger sphere of social contacts – We’re talking about people you kinda-barely know. You see each other around and exchange small talk. Next opportunity to mingle, think outside the small talk box – is this person worth getting curious about? Break free from the pattern by asking some thought-provoking (but not socially/politically charged) questions. Maybe you’ll learn that they’re really interesting! Maybe they’ll move into category A B or C! Otherwise maintain a friendly and casual connection. If opportunities come up to deepen the connection, support, provide advice or another form of value, go for it!
E Associated with work or other – Same as C or D with some practical considerations (ex, don’t get wasted with colleagues!).
F Draining/detractor – is this a one way relationship? Maybe this person talks at you but never listens? They’re not living an inspired life and you find yourself following along in activities that don’t improve your joy, or your life? (Or maybe you’re that person in a friendship??).
G Frenemy/toxic – these people are fake, harmful, not to be trusted and frequently undermine your sense of self/security or happiness. Bye bye. It’s your responsibility to recognize this shitty relationship pattern. You are not a victim, you have the power to cut them out of your life. Or maybe, have compassion (because they are a hurt person) and set clear boundaries around the level of interaction, how you respond etc. This may apply if the person is hard to avoid (ex, your ex’s new partner). But the bottom line is avoid this relationship as much as possible and keep a clear, cool hear around your interactions, do not get drawn into drama. You’ve got quality people to spend your time with, not this nonsense!
Key takeaways: Friendship is a two way street. What do you offer of value? Are you genuinely open and curious about people – this is an amazing skill to work on. It makes you happier and builds deeper connections. Maintain awareness of the balance in a relationship (i.e. give as much as you receive. This should feel natural, you don’t need to count every action).
Coming Swoon – articles on: How to deepen friendships. How to make new friends. Are you likable? How to support friends and loved ones through a transition. Watch this space!
