How to Approach Difficult Conversations with Your Partner (Without Feeling Shut Down or Blowing Up Your Relationship)

You’re not a bad partner for wanting more, you’re just growing. And you deserve to have honest, expansive conversations, even the uncomfortable ones.

This guide walks you through how to start those conversations with care, clarity, and a high chance of success. And at the very end I’ll share 2 unexpected, research-based tips that make you more empathetic and warm during those tough chats – things you can put into action today.

 Common Topics That Feel Scary to Bring Up:

  • Feeling stuck in a role (the responsible one, the peacemaker, the always-available one)
  • Desiring more freedom, novelty, or independence
  • Considering a shift in your sexual or relational structure (like Consensual Non-Monogamy or kink exploration)
  • Wanting your partner to meet you in personal growth, self-care, or therapy
  • Needing more support, affection, or appreciation

10 Steps for Kind and Fruitful Conversations

  1. Open the Door

Let your partner know you want to talk about something important. Reassure them that it comes from love and your desire to grow together, not leave, blame, or break things.

Try this:
“Darling, I’ve been sitting with some thoughts and I’d love to talk them through with you. I care deeply about us and want to keep growing together in a way that feels good for both of us. Can we find a time that feels good for you?”

If they get anxious or jump to conclusions, gently remind them that your intention is to co-create a better future, not to drop a bomb.

  1. Set and Setting

Pick a time and place that supports connection and calm. Ideally when there is a spacious sense of time with no distractions and your partner is not likely to be tired (which makes things feel emotionally harder).

Tip: Try talking while walking side by side or sitting next to each other, like in a car. Facing forward can make it easier to bring up tough topics. There’s less pressure to hold constant eye contact. You’re not avoiding connection, just giving yourselves a bit more ease while saying hard things.

Great options:

  • A walk in nature
  • A cozy night in
  • A beach stroll or scenic drive
  • Sitting together in a safe, private space with time to spare

Avoid times when they’re stressed, tired, or distracted. If that’s always the case, don’t wait forever. Just choose the best moment available.

  1. Set Ground Rules (RichestFullest Style)

Before diving in, agree to a few connection-first principles:

  • Listen without interrupting
  • Reflect back what you heard before responding with your thoughts
  • All feelings are allowed
  • Curiosity over defensiveness. What are they trying to say? Instead of It’s not my fault that..
  • No “fixing,” just holding space

This helps both of you stay rooted even when emotions rise.

  1. Say the Thing

Now it’s time. Start by affirming your love and care. Then speak clearly about your needs. Don’t make it about their failings, this is about your aliveness, your truth.

Example script:
“I love you, and I feel so lucky to be with you. And there’s something I’ve been feeling… a need that’s been growing in me. I’m not trying to escape or reject anything. I want to bring this into the open so we can explore it together. I want us both to have what we need to feel alive and fulfilled. What I would like is…”

Invite them into the conversation. Ask what they long for, too.

  1. Expect Emotions and Make Space for Them

If they get reactive, that’s normal. Breathe. Stay calm. Return to your core intention: connection, honesty, growth. Follow the Ground Rules (step 3).

Don’t push for a decision. If their initial answer is “no way,” agree to revisit. If they’re unsure but open, move forward into imagining what this could look like, or set a time to do so.

Emphasize that you want this process and its outcome to bring you closer together.

  1. Envision the Future Together

Create a shared vision, one that honors both of you. This can be playful or deep. Use tools like a shared Google doc or a blank piece of paper.

Whatever it is that you want more of, start it with a blue-sky ideation session with your person. You are cocreating a new future, one that tries to honor eveyrone’s needs. One that proceeds thoughtfully, with care, and moves at pace that gives you time to check in, adapt and celebrate! and Here are some prompt questions to try:

“What do we want more of?”

“In one year from now, we’ll be…”

“How do we want to feel when…”

“Let’s list all of our desires and look for ones we have in common..”

“What feels scary or uncomfortable and how can we support each other through that?”

If your desire is to explore Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM), these 10 aspects are things to consider when the time is right to have that conversation. (Free download):

  • Time
  • Communication
  • Transparency
  • Sex
  • Safety
  • Privacy
  • Community
  • Priorities
  • Agreements
  • Growth edges

Find your overlap, and name the differences. This can be a big and complex process and I specialize in helping people open with harmony and joy. My 13 year open relationship is proof that it’s possible (and fun!).

  1. RichestFullest Agreements

Build a foundation rooted in RichestFullest principles:

  • My partner is my priority, even as we grow
  • All feelings are welcome, and none are punishable
  • Discomfort ≠ harm (Discomfort is necessary for growth. Harm won’t be tolerated)
  • We will revisit and revise as we grow, this will evolve
  • I will not weaponize our agreements
  • We fix Me. We’re commited to healing our sources of discomfort or pain at the root through mutual support.
  • I want your joy, and I want you to want mine
  1. Move Slowly
  • Talk often
  • Take small steps, check in before and after
  • Be patient with difficult moments and emotional reactions
  • Do things to stay connected and prioritize your relationship

Check out 10 ways to tiptoe towards CNM, if that’s what you’re working on.

       9. Write It Down

Intentions, agreements, and boundaries are best captured in writing. This keeps expectations clear and reduces resentment. And allows you to see your growth and celebrate it!

  1. When It’s Hard…

Use this self-check:

  • Am I reacting out of fear or love?
  • What part of me is activated?
  • Is this a “no” because it feels unsafe, or just unfamiliar?
  • What would radical honesty look like right now?

Want Support?

Want more? Read the RichestFullest relationship guide to get started.

Or book a call if you want my help navigating the hard stuff, from “I need something different” to “The cat’s out of the bag, what now?”

You don’t have to do this alone. Expert, caring guidance is available.

Bonus – 2 unexpected tips that work during a hard conversation

  1. Hold something warm (like tea) – studies have demonstrated this boosts perceptions of the other person’s warmth and trustworthiness. Activates empathy. And it feels comforting!

Touch your heart before speaking – this activates self-compassion and makes you less reactive.