Breaking up with a partner that isn’t right for you, in the nicest way possible
You’ve gotten real honest and decided your partner is holding you back. Well done, this was no doubt a difficult process. Now it’s time to be brave and take a stand for your future happiness. He might not like what’s coming, and you may care about his feelings. Here’s how to do it kindly.
The KIND break up:
Klean break
Intentional
No blame
Decisive action
-Klean break. Use definitive language. Limited or zero contact for a specified amount of time after the split. If necessary be willing to block or otherwise prevent them from weaseling back in (if they can’t respect your clear instruction to respect your space).
-Intentional. Be clear on what you want and that this isn’t it. Once you’ve decided that this is not a relationship that supports and pulls you forward to express your best self (and maybe vice versa), settle into some deep certainty that it’s going to end. Set boundaries, and stick to them. Envision a better life ahead. Have a compassionate, clear and decisive conversation to end things.
-No blame. Highlight the positive (of them). Then, be objective and honest about what’s not working for you, but without pointing the finger and assigning blame. You may share your desires and plans for personal growth.
Good examples:
“I want to move to big city X and follow my dreams.”
“I don’t feel like I’m growing in this relationship.”
“I want to discover more of the world and who I am.”
The full declaration may sound like this:
”You’ve been so loving and we’ve been through a lot together but I‘d like to focus on some projects that really excite me, and I want to do that alone.”
Make it about a need that you have, not about a quality they don’t have. (Unless they ask and then you can proceed compassionately so they can learn and grow from the conversation. But be wary of them promising change that may never come, especially if this is a pattern.)
-Decisive action. Plan the logistics in advance – moving out, splitting shared resources, space to process your feelings, positive distractions that bring joy. Lean on friends for support and to keep you from returning. Once you make the split, it’s over.
They may resist. They may cry. They may become angry. They may be manipulative. You need to decide how long and involved this break up conversation needs to be. If the relationship is toxic you should keep it brief. Do not give them a chance to manipulate you. If it’s been loving but not enough to feed your soul, be as kind as possible but stay firm. Think about your boundaries (contact post split, level of emotional support etc) in advance and stick to them.
It is not kind (to them or you) to flip flop. Once you make the break, stay strong because you cannot expect them to be the strong one if you’re dumping them. Be clear that it’s over and do not send any confusing signals.
If you think the split may result in serious mental health concerns (depression, suicidal ideation), research local resources in advance, and be prepared to seek support for them from their friends and family on their behalf. They may try to manipulate you into staying together at the risk of them doing self harm. Don’t back down. Enroll their friends to help. At most, you may provide some friendship support (with clear non-romantic boundaries) to get them through the worst of it.
And remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea. You can do better.
Give it time and love yourself! There’s a bright, sexy, romantic, emotionally-supported future ahead for you.
Coming Swoon – articles on:
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Are you free? Download swoon’s free self expression workbook and consider whether you’re hiding parts of yourself from people in your life, and what to do about it.
