You know what’s exhausting? Living in dissatisfaction and pretending everything is fine. And yes, sometimes everything IS fine (don’t forget to write in that gratitude journal!) but deep down, you know there’s something missing. You feel like you’ve given up the freedom, vitality and fun of your youth. Getting older, responsibilities. It all feels a little dull.
You love your partner. You’re committed to this life you’ve built. But if you’re craving more – more connection, more freedom, more turn-on, more truth – and you’re terrified to talk about it, then we have a problem. Because silence and fear are relationship killers.
Then you start to hear talk of open relationships… on TV shows, news articles, and (dare it be true?) in your community. Your knee-jerk reaction may have been to shun the idea. The salacious life choice of young, sometimes dramatic, “alternative” types. But a part of you feels a little envious… of their freedom, their bravery and their sexy delight. There’s a flame alive in their relationships, and their loins! Could that be you?
And then, as the notion of broaching this topic crystalizes, fear creeps in: “What will people think?” “What would my partner think?!”
A lot of people assume that opening up a relationship is a phase, like a midlife crisis. And a fast track to divorce. But what if some version of an open relationship is actually a sustainability move? A long-term investment in honesty, flexibility, and staying in love with yourself and your partner? A bright path that you lovingly craft together?
I’m not talking about swinging from the rafters with strangers at every full moon. I’m talking about designing a relationship structure that has room to breathe. Something flexible, evolving, rooted in commitment and love. Let’s break it down.
Commitment is Harder When There’s Rigidity
Monogamy is beautiful when it’s chosen consciously, but most people sleepwalk into it. It’s the unquestioned norm. And it works for many people, but for others things start to feel dull. Problems arise when the rules of monogamy are used to avoid difficult conversations.
When partners stop talking about desire because they’re afraid it’ll blow everything up… that’s when resentment starts growing in the dark. Needs go underground. Aliveness gets replaced with anxiety. And sex? Usually dries up along with the vulnerability.
A lot of relationships suffer because they’re trying to hold together an outdated agreement instead of creating a living one. Here’s a free guide on how to approach difficult talks (about anything) without wrecking your relationship. (link)
Flexibility Supports Longevity
Let’s say you and your partner have said the difficult thing and you agree that:
- You love each other and are committed to your future together
- You want to feel more alive: more vibrancy, freedom and connection
- Opening things up is worth the exploration. Now what?
There is no single definition of an open relationship.
Some people flirt and connect at events, but don’t pursue anything physical. Some couples share crushes and fantasies as a way to keep things spicy. Others explore physical or emotional connections with outside partners, with clear agreements. There are polycules, open-ish monogamy (“monogamish”), swingers, kitchen-table polyamory… you name it. Don’t worry about the labels. You can do anything you want, and it will change over time.
The real power comes from designing it together. Checking in. Updating as you both grow. Saying, “This is what I need right now. How do we make space for that while honoring each other?” Applying the RichestFullest approach to your discomfort so you can heal and pursue all the delicious things. WE fix ME.
The funniest thing is it’s NOT about more sex (even though that’s what people fixate on…). It’s about more truth, self expression and freedom in your relationship, all of which paradoxically create a deeper bond.
The Psychology of Aliveness (need?)
Most people don’t cheat because they want to destroy their marriage. They cheat because they feel dead inside. They want to feel desired, chosen and seen. And they don’t know how to bring that longing into their relationship without setting the house on fire.
I’m here to tell you that it’s not too late to bring that closeness and realness back into your relationship so you don’t actually need to get it from outside. And, with a bond that tight, you and your partner can get some thrills (and feels) from outside while keeping your home relationship prioritized. You get to say YES to many of your desires, satisfying many parts of you. You stop hiding. You get to be more fully yourself. And your partner does too.
RichestFullest is the framework I use with clients to help them move through discomfort together, instead of avoiding it. We treat triggers like signposts. We get curious and ask, “What’s underneath this?” Often, it’s an old wound that wants healing. And things feel so good on the other side.
When both partners are willing to show up honestly, support each other’s healing, and not take everything personally, the connection gets deeper. The sex gets better. And the relationship becomes a place of expansion, not control.
What About the Kids? Or My Mom? Or the Neighbors?
Ah, the classic question: “What will people think?”
Let’s be honest. Some people will judge. But those same people are often quietly miserable and deeply confused about their own relationships. You don’t owe them an explanation.
You also don’t have to share your entire relationship model with the world. You can live expansively and privately. You can teach your kids about boundaries, consent, and love without giving them a polyamory manifesto.
At the end of the day, your relationship exists to nourish you and your partner, not to perform for anyone else’s expectations. When you’re honest, alive, and deeply connected, people notice. Some of them will be inspired. Others may clutch their pearls. That’s their journey, and not your problem. The good news is, this lifestyle choice is becoming normalized, slowly. I personally try to be an example of what healthy, harmonious non-monogamy can be. And MANY people admire and inquire about how my husband and I do it. Truth: we wouldn’t have it any other way.
It’s Not a Phase. It’s a Sustainability Strategy.
We change. We age. We hit dry spells. We get turned on by new people. We grow in different directions and sometimes grow back together. That’s life. A flexible relationship – one that makes room for truth and evolution – is far more likely to weather those changes than one stuck in “we don’t talk about that” mode.
This doesn’t mean you have to open your relationship tomorrow. But it does mean you’re allowed to want more. And there are ways to explore that desire without destroying the good things you’ve built.
Whatever shape your relationship takes, it should be one that helps both of you feel fully expressed, safe, alive, and supported. That’s what RichestFullest is about. It’s not a phase, or a grasp for attention. It’s a better way to love, intentionally chosen by you and your beloved.
Want help having this conversation with your partner, or figuring out what you really want?
I work with curious, courageous individuals and couples ready to do love differently.
Learn more at www.swoon.coach or reach out for a free discovery call.