Includes guidance for kids of different ages!
Let’s be honest – this life takes work
Let’s start with some real talk. Being poly isn’t the easy path, especially as a parent. (Though being monogamous actually sounds harder to me, because of all the suppression it would require… but I digress). Choosing this unconventional path requires attention and intention. We’re not stumbling into our relationship and winging it, like many people do. We’re not just assuming that “monogamy is natural, it’s what humans do” and doing it. Going against norms requires us to really consider our relationship. And it invites us to grow into better versions of ourselves, versions our kids benefit from.
My husband and I don’t tell our kids everything about our love lives. They’re very young and all they see are very committed and loving parents. Modeling is powerful communication, perhaps the best kind with children.
I am super happy to share our philosophy and practices around both parenting and polyamory with curious people who need support. If this is you, contact me to discuss your situation, There IS a way to do this without guilt or struggle.
The RichestFullest Foundation in Families – Growth, Honesty, Compassion
A core belief of RichestFullest: Relationships should support full self-expression, healing, and mutual expansion. This means you get to want things, share openly with your partner, and if something is uncomfortable or touches a wound, you’re both committed to healing it. Once that’s done, things are easier, anxiety disappears, yesses start flowing and both partners experience freedom.
My husband Michel and I live this way, and we parent this way.
We’re committed to complete honesty and respect for our children. Things that hurt can be expressed and we work on them with compassion.
Kids learn from what we embody, not what we explain. They see two parents who communicate effectively, have a deep bond, cherish each other and express love.
Quick visual or quote box:
“We don’t need to tell our kids how we love. Just how well we love.”
Age & Stage – What Kids Actually Need at Each Level
- Toddlers & Young Kids
What young children crave most is consistency. They thrive when they feel emotionally safe, have clear boundaries, and can predict the rhythm of their days. Routines help their nervous systems relax so they can explore the world with confidence. - Polyamorous parenting can support this stage by expanding the emotional support network. Kids see loving adults and in many cases can get care or support from multiple people. Even if your household looks pretty mono-normative from the viewpoint of your kids, as ours does; (two parent household, living as a family unit) there is deep community and closeness as a norm in our extended social lives. This includes our poly loves, since we are “kitchen table”*. With more emotional regulation around them, kids have more models for soothing and repair.
- School-Aged Kids
As kids start school, they’re learning how to relate, solve problems, and hold boundaries. They watch their parents closely for cues – how do grown-ups handle conflict? Do they listen to each other? Do they apologize? Are limits respected?- In healthy poly homes, respectful communication and flexible thinking are often necessary for managing complexity. When kids see their caregivers having open, kind conversations – not just about polyam, but about household day-to-day suff, emotional needs, or sleuthing out who released the killer fart, it builds internal safety. They learn that people can disagree and still love each other.
- Tweens & Teens
This is the age of identity formation. Teens care deeply about authenticity, values, and being taken seriously. If we tell them one thing and do another, they’ll spot it instantly. They want to see adults living with integrity.- Healthy polyamorous parents often do a lot of introspective work and strive to be honest and live with integrity. This alignment can be powerful modeling. When teens see their parents being intentional and value-driven – even when it’s unconventional – it gives them permission to question norms and build their own ethical frameworks.
- As a former high school teacher I understand teen identity development and there is a way to show who you are or even “come out” to your kids as poly in a way that is most likely to gain their respect and trust. If this is you, ask me how.
We’ve chosen not to tell our kids we’re poly just yet, but we don’t lie and say we’re monogamous. We don’t label our relationship model. We just express committed, mature and healthy love.
The Unexpected Parenting Gifts of Being Poly
- Emotional fluency
- We talk about feelings, our needs, and we repair after arguments. The kids see some of this, and that’s good parenting.
- Intentional choices
- Poly forces us to examine our defaults. What are we modeling? What do we want love and partnership to look like for our kids? (They can choose any relationship style but the essence of good relationships is the same).
- Compassionate honesty
- You learn to speak hard truths with kindness. You don’t avoid hard but necessary conversations. Things don’t fester. Your kids deserve that, and we believe this will prevent long-term identity issues and emotional damage from unresolved sources of hurt.
- Respecting individuals
- We’ve learned not to expect one person to meet all needs, which helps us allow our kids to be their own people, too. We can be deeply connected AND self expressed. Interdependent and independent. We check our expectations and accept people for who they are, allowing them to grow into who they want to be.
- Stronger village
- Even though our kids don’t understand our relationship style, poly often brings chosen family, emotional support, and thoughtfulness around planning and people that makes parenting less isolating. We are highly social, affectionate and connected people. Our kids see friendly faces, awesome adults and beautiful community.
Actionable Parenting Practices from Poly Life
Okay this is not a parenting blog. But here are some ways the skills transfer:
- Self check-ins: Model emotional awareness. “What am I feeling, and why?” Then act from that place of awareness.
- Honest, age-appropriate repair: “I was feeling overwhelmed and snapped. I’m sorry.” (How many old-school parents apologize to their kids?)
- Normalize boundaries: “I’m not available right now, but I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”
- Let kids see kindness in hard conversations (ex when witnessing adult conflict) “This behavior makes me upset, but I know we’re committed to fixing things.”
- Create relationship check-ins with your kids. Ask: “I love our time together. Anything I can do better as your parent?”
The Gift to Us as Parents
Poly makes us more reflective, intentional and better communicators. It creates awareness around who we’re being and the impact that has on the little people we love most. That means fewer unconscious patterns are passed down. And stronger, more connected kids, because we’ve been doing our own work.And as I always say, being successfully poly means more love, more joy.
I know it’s not this simple for many poly couples and if that’s you, please reach out. I understand so much about your struggle: Wanting to be the best parent to your children and also wanting to feel alive and pursue connection. You’re not wrong for wanting both and both are possible!
Reflect on this
What lessons from your relationship life are shaping the kind of parent you want to be?
As you consider your intentional choice to break relationship norms, what familial generational patterns do you wish to avoid passing down?