A step-by-step guide to working through the yucky feels and building something sustainable
For a long time, I thought I was one of those people who couldn’t do non-monogamy. I believed that my boyfriends should be laser focused on me, and if they cast an eye toward other women it was disrespectful.
But then something changed.
I met my now-husband, Michel. I tried to dump him when he suggested wanting something open; an honest approach where we could follow our attractions to people outside our (very new) relationship. It felt like an unstable choice, risky given I was in my late 30s and wanting to start a family.
Then we had a life-changing conversation, one where together we saw a possible future of our design, that would be secure, fulfilling and fair. Not overnight, not without work – but over time, with tools, compassion, and practice, my fear and jealousy transformed. The anxiety that came with the tight grip of monogamy and needing to feel “respected” (by being the sole recipient of my husband’s attention) went away. After all, I was free to benefit from our agreement, too. Every time I felt uncomfortable in a sexy social situation, it became a signal I could use. And now, in a loving open relationship that’s lasted over a decade, I feel more secure, alive, and turned on than I ever imagined possible.
So if you’re saying, “I’m just too jealous to open up,” I want to gently challenge that. Your jealousy is the result of a lifetime of programming telling you to feel possessive; that being exclusively chosen is the only way. And yet… your relationship feels a little dull and a part of you wants more.
It’s okay to want more, and there is a way to transform your jealousy into deep security and ease, so you can go get all the yummy things AND have the best relationship ever.
Jealousy Isn’t the Problem. It’s the Messenger.
Jealousy isn’t a flaw, it’s a human emotion that we all experience. It’s a mix of things: fear, insecurity, longing, comparison. Quick clarification – envy is the feeling of wanting what someone else has, and it can feel negative or neutral. “She has beautiful hair”, while jealousy is the feeling of fearing that you might lose something you already have to someone else “that woman is flirting with my boyfriend and he may leave me for her”.
So if jealousy is fear of loss, the solution in relationships is to create deep trust and security.
Trust: “I trust you to have integrity and do what you say you’ll do.”
Security: “We’re committed to building a relationship that’s so good, it would be hard to beat. Who’s gonna take you away from our amazing life, our kids, our vision!?”
With that secure framework in place…
Reduced fear of loss: “Go ahead and enjoy the thrill of a new connection. I get it, and I want that too! I know you’ll come home to our beautiful life.”
Easy to say, hard to do. But entirely possible (I’m proof) and the RichestFullest framework is the way.
Jealousy is an obvious challenge for people trying to open their relationships. But it shows up in monogamous relationships too, we just often ignore it or shame ourselves for feeling it. “Everything is perfect here… looking at other attractive people? My partner would never!” So monogamous or not, all jealousy to show you:
- Where you’re scared
- What you need
- Where healing wants to happen
The key is not to suppress it or explode with it, but to work with it. You can learn to soothe your system, understand your patterns, grow your capacity, and get closer.
I created a tool that helps you get really clear on how jealousy shows up for you, and how well you currently regulate yourself around it.
[Download the Jealousy Math Worksheet here] (free tool to help you assess your level of jealousy and how well you regulate around it).
Who’s responsible for your jealous feelings?
Before we dive into the process, let’s pause and get honest. Here are some questions to help you untangle your experience of jealousy:
Mental or Relational?
- Do I mostly spin out in my own head? (Do I create my feelings of jealousy?)
- Or am I reacting to actual things my partner is doing or not doing? (Is my partner creating the kind of emotional safety I need?)
Both of these things matter. Sometimes our jealousy is rooted in internal patterns that need healing. Sometimes it’s a relational dynamic that can be improved with clearer communication and better boundaries. Usually, it’s a little of both.
If you feel like your victim identity may be strong (“why do bad things always happen to me?”), read on, because this is a mental pattern that holds you back in all areas of life and can be rewired in 7 weeks.
Where Is the Fear Coming From?
When your jealousy is triggered, ask yourself:
- What is the actual fear beneath this? (Is it abandonment? Rejection? Not being good enough?)
- Is it familiar? Have I felt this before, in childhood or past relationships?
- What did I learn about love, trust, and desire from my family or culture?
- What am I making this mean about me?
This is powerful stuff. You don’t have to solve it all at once, but simply noticing your patterns and associations starts the shift.
Jealousy and self sabotage: How PQ Helped Me Change (and can help you)
In June of 2024 I completed a neural rewiring program that changed my life, and I now wholeheartedly encourage people to look into it. It’s called Positive Intelligence (PQ) and it’s based on solid research that shows all humans express a combination of ten universal negative brain response patterns. I discovered how many of my negative, self-sabotaging automatic thoughts were holding me back and causing unwelcome emotions – fear, insecurity, shame, desire to be liked. Pretty much all negative emotions are caused by “Saboteurs”, automatic, negative mental programs that you DO have some influence over. They can be reduced, or used as teachers.
These saboteurs are malleable. You can literally rewire your brain in under two months with structured practice, and it changes everything (not only your feelings of jealousy, but the many ways automatic negative thoughts affect your life).
If you’re curious about that process, I include PQ as a core part of my coaching work, because it helped me so much. In my case, it prevented the self sabotaging thoughts that stopped me from starting a coaching business. After doing the program I was unstoppable, on fire! And here I am, a thriving coach. This remarkable program can also help you handle the discomfort of jealousy and turn it into a gift. Fear will no longer run your life.
Ask me about PQ if you want to reduce your negative thoughts in 7 weeks.
A Step-by-Step Process to Reduce your Jealousy
Besides Positive Intelligence, what can you do to reduce jealousy?
First, be kind and patient with yourself, you’re trying to undo a lifetime of programming. This is a process that will unfold in its own way and it won’t be linear. You need to face those situations that are scary and learn to regulate yourself once there. It will be uncomfortable. And, once the scariest outcome doesnt materialize, you’ll feel less afraid.
But what if the scariest thing does happen?
“I said yes to flirting with others and now I feel embarrassed at parties with my partner hitting on everyone. It’s only a matter of time before he meets someone amazing.”
(Why do you feel embarrassed? What’s the underlying fear and how do you imagine a truly secure person might feel? Does this seem doable for you? What will happen if he does meet someone amazing?”
“We tried opening the relationship and ended in divorce.”
(Be honest, were things moving in that direction even before you opened things up?)
Bottom line: walking into the lion’s den and facing scary things can feel dangerous when the relationship is not on sure footing. You need to talk and work on creating emotional safety and trust. (See above).
If the fear is mostly drummed up in your head (which is what I see often in loving couples), read on for an approach to gently deprogramming those grippy, anxious jealousy responses. This is inspired by systematic desensitization, a therapeutic approach that helps you slowly build capacity for difficult experiences through escalating exposure.
And PS, don’t forget to try this Jealousy Math worksheet as your go-to guide for assessing and handling jealousy.
Step 1: Name your fear
Name exactly what you’re afraid of.
Is it that your partner will leave you? That you’ll be replaced? That you don’t measure up?
The more precise you are, the less power it has.
Try this: Talk to yourself as if you’re a friend.
“Chloe, you’re afraid your partner might leave you for someone else if you open things up.”
Talking to yourself as another person creates a little observational distance. It also allows you to see how how kind or helpful your language is. Often we speak more kindly to friends than ourselves.
Step 2: Set your vision
Imagine where you want to get to. Ease and freedom. Free from anxiety. Not worrying about your partner’s whereabouts constantly. Maybe comfortable seeing your partner flirt and feel happy. Both free to share your attraction to others. Both feeling juicy and alive! I can support you with this, contact me to discuss how.
This is all worth working on, trust me.
Step 3: Start Small
Agree with your partner to dip your toe in uncomfortable waters, then check in afterwards and reassure each other. Pick something low-stakes. Maybe your partner tells you they find someone attractive. Maybe they go to an event alone.
Try this: Notice what comes up in your body. Don’t run from it – just be with it.
“I feel icky and tense. This is just a sensation. It will pass.”
Take notes. Talk about it. Say I love you ,and thank you to each other. Breathe.
Step 4: Build Capacity
As your nervous system adapts, you increase the intensity. Maybe your partner shares a fantasy. Maybe you go to a sexy event together. The idea is to stay in the discomfort just long enough to process it with compassion. Little by little. It’s like building muscle at the gym; you gradually increase your weights with repeated visits.
The first step might be getting comfortable with your partner making eye contact with a hottie in front of you. The last step might be kitchen table polyamory. The sky’s the limit, I’m proof.
Here’s a list of non-threatening ways you can explore CNM without blowing up your relationship. Link
This might be a years-long process. But it’s worth starting.
Step 4: Partner Support Matters
This isn’t a solo journey. Your partner’s job isn’t to fix your jealousy, but to help you feel safe, seen, and supported as you move through it.
In RichestFullest, we say: “You’re triggered? I’ve got you. Let’s meet it together.”
And ask yourself this fundamental question:
If our relationship stayed exactly like this – same patterns, same level of connection – would we feel proud of the life we’re building together… and of who we’re each becoming along the way?
What’s Possible When You See Jealousy as an Opportunity
- You learn what you really want, beyond fear
- Your communication improves
- You stop spiraling in silence and start asking for what you need
- There are fewer walls between you
- No more anxiety!
- Desire and connection grow
- You stop being afraid of your feelings and start using them to grow closer
- Your relationship has strength and longevity
- You become that couple (the one people envy!)
This is the kind of love that lasts – not because it avoids discomfort, but because it knows how to meet it with love and skill.
Stop Labeling Yourself as “Too Jealous” and Staying Stuck
Jealousy isn’t the thing that disqualifies you from having an expansive, beautiful relationship. It’s the thing that can teach you how to stretch and open. Jealousy teaches where you need to heal and doing that frees you up in all areas of your life. #RichestFullest It’s the stuff of magic.
Goodbye anxiety. Hello, ease and delight!
And you don’t have to do it all at once. You can take small, supported steps. You can be scared and still grow. You can change the way you feel, and you can rewire the story you tell yourself about what’s possible for your love life.
Share your journey with me, I’d love to learn how jealousy plays in your life and what you want to create for yourself.
Want to see where your jealousy is coming from and what it’s trying to teach you?
[Download the Jealousy Math Worksheet now]
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