A lot of people believe that being in love means meeting every single need your partner has – emotional, sexual, intellectual, spiritual, social. All of it. You’re not just their person, you’re supposed to be their everything.
This puts a lot of pressure on a relationship. Let’s be real, that puts a lot of pressure on a person
Combine that expectation with a silent agreement to not raise the issue of dissatisfaction, and you’ve got a pressure cooker building up, or a tire slowly deflating … choose your analogy (does your frustration lead to cheating or suppression?).
The Myth of Being “Everything”
Most of us are raised on the soulmate fantasy: one person who completes you, always wants what you want, and can fulfill every flavor of intimacy you crave. But in real life, that expectation is a forced culutal narrative. And people circumvent it every which way – infidelity, divorce, resentment-fueled toxic relating, substance use… I could go on.
Do you really want to live a suppressed life because society says you should?
No one person is meant to be your therapist, your cheerleader, your co-parent, your wild sex god(dess), your hiking buddy, your muse, and your best friend 100% of the time. It’s not a flaw if your partner doesn’t hit every mark. It’s reality.
Trying to be everything for each other often leads us into disappointment and burnout. It makes any unmet need feel like a betrayal. Once we get honest about that, and loosen our grip, we find more freedom, more appreciation, and more joy. These days it feels totally normal to express a need and go after it. It’s not a threat to the relationship or a ding to my sense of self worth if my partner wants something I can’t provide.
Some Needs Just Can’t Be Met by One Person
Here’s what we learned: there are some energies, experiences, and dynamics that don’t live inside our primary partnership. And that’s okay.
Things like:
- Novelty – By definition, my steady partner who knows me so well can’t feel new and mysterious. The thrill of being around someone new who sees you with fresh eyes is so exciting; New Relationship Energy (NRE) is such delicious rocket fuel for life! And, having the comfort and support of my life partner is also the best feeling ever. Aliveness & Stability, a magical combo.
- Bisexual expression – Some desires that aren’t about “replacing” a partner, but honoring the full range of your identity.
- Different energy or body types – Sometimes it’s not about “better,” just different. Taller, bigger boobs, less body hair, different hair color, more energetic, more vocal… there are so many flavors. No one makes you choose just one flavor of icecream, you’re allowed to enjoy many. Yes, we’re talking about humans here, it’s more complex. But the basic premise is the same!
- Non-triggered connection – Getting to be heard by someone who isn’t carrying old baggage with you is refreshing. Sometimes you get grumpy, triggered, impatient with those you feel most comfortable around. Negative dynamics can easily spiral. If these patterns are getting in the way of your connection, seek support here. But if all you want is a light and playful hang out, someone else can provide that distraction (and often makes you feel grateful for your safe and wonderful partner).
- Rapt attention – Someone who is freshly motivated to hear you talk about your favorite topics is a delight. My husband’s heard everything I have to say about topic X already.
- New skill sets – Maybe your partner is a brilliant thinker, but you want to co-write erotica or take salsa with someone who knows how to spin you into a hot frenzy. Maybe that new person is good at dirty talk or massage and it feels fresh and indulgent.
When you have room to experience those things without threatening the core, you don’t resent your partner for not being all of them. You can love who they are more clearly.
The Gifts of External Connection
When we opened our relationship (with a lot of care, communication, and support), we found that openning didn’t take away from our bond, it added to it.
Why?
Because we stopped pretending our needs were problems. We acknowledged them, respected each other’s humanity, and trusted that what we had was strong enough to hold a little outside fun, or even some feelings. That generosity is the very thing that keeps us closest. “You let me have my cake and eat it too! I love you so much!”
And we noticed some sweet bonuses:
- Less performance anxiety. Once you agree it’s natural for humans to find other (erspecially new) people to be exciting, you don’t feel as pressured to be perfect.
- A feeling of spaciousness – the sky’s the limit. This translates to other life domains. Freedom to expand in love usually goes hand in hand with freedom to expand in other desires – work, hobbies, etc.
- We got to feel chosen again, not just obligated.
Effort = Reward
Here’s a funny thing no one tells you about long-term relationships: when you feel like your partner is the only one who will ever see you naked again, some people slowly stop trying. The sweatpants come out. The sex gets routine, or stops. You might let yourself go.
But when you know there’s space (real or hypothetical) for new connection, a few things happen:
- You remember what it feels like to want to impress someone.
- You take care of yourself, not just for them, but for you.
- You reawaken a spark of confidence and playfulness that was there long before you became “someone’s partner.”
For us, having openness made us both more motivated to look and feel our best. We wanted to stay vibrant and alive. Sexy. Fuckable.
And we brought that energy back to each other.
A New Kind of Loyalty
Some people think if you’re not monogamous, you’re not committed. But commitment isn’t about locking someone down, it’s about showing up with care, respect, and truth. It’s about loving your partner enough to not let your icky feelings and insecurities get in the way of them living a free and fulfilling life. It’s wanting them to have the richest, fullest life possible.
Choosing each other again and again, not because you’re limited but because you’re lit up.
We don’t try to be everything. We try to be honest, kind, curious, and supportive of each other’s wholeness. And in doing that, we’re super close, fully ourselves, and free.
Exercise: “If I Had a Hall Pass…” A simple 5 step guide to sharing your desires
Step 1: Affirm your devotion
Tell your partner ways you admire them, are grateful to them and why it’s important to you that the relationship stays close and connected.
“I love you for these reasons, ___ and I look forward to our future together because ___”
Step 2: What fresh or exciting experience do you desire?
Each partner completes the sentence:
“If I had a hall pass to explore outside our relationship, I’d be curious about…”
Examples:
- Someone who’s super playful and spontaneous
- Deep intellectual debates over wine
- Being adored by someone brand new
- Exploring a kink
- Being with someone who reminds me of a younger/different version of myself
- What’s your example?
Step 3: Talk About the Why
Briefly explain why that energy feels exciting or nourishing. This keeps it about desire and not comparison. If it feels natural, add some humor!
“I’d love to have fresh, eager eyeballs checking me out!”
“A young stud may not hold a candle to your provider-protector superpowers but he sure would be fun to play with”
“Honey, you know me so well… it would be fun to try a different flavor for an evening. Someone who actually wants to hear me blabbering on about fantasy football!”
“I’d love to fool around with someone with (body parts) you don’t have, just for fun!
Step 4: Make It Safe
Each person shares: What would help me feel secure and connected with you while you explore this?
Examples:
- “I’d like a quick cuddle or check-in before you go out.”
- “Let’s always do something just the two of us the next day.”
- “Hearing you speak kindly about me to others means a lot.”
Step 5: Appreciation Toast
End with: One thing I love about you that no one else can offer me is…
Cheers with tea, wine, or a mocktail to lighten the vibe.