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Hey, partnered person. How does this sound –  “Honey, I don’t want to even discuss this desire you have because it terrifies me, goes against society’s norms, makes me/us look bad and frankly I’m afraid of losing you, so let’s just avoid it and keep living in frustration, unfulfilled and lacking in vibrancy, okay?”

Sounds pretty sad, doesn’t it? Yet this is what most couples are silently agreeing to in their relationships. A constricted existence driven by fear of pain and loss. But avoiding those nagging tugs for more life, more connection, more sex, and more fun, doesn’t make life better. It dulls and deflates. 

I’m Chloe, a relationship coach. I believe (and practice) the following core philosophy  – a relationship provides a container in which participants can be fully expressed, supported and encouraged to explore their richest fullest life. When difficult aspects surface for any one individual, that challenge is met with loving intention to heal at a root level and free the person of that pain, so they can BOTH live a life of authenticity, freedom, connection and joy. I call this RichestFullest.

Revealing questions are: 

“What do you want for your partner?”
“What do you want to look back on and have lived (or not regret)?”
“Who do you want to be when difficult emotions surface, in yourself? In your partner?”
“Does your highest self show up in uncomfortable situations?”

Being triggered is an opportunity to heal. It reveals something that needs attention, and this is helpful. If you tune in with curiosity and compassion you can address the root cause of the pain and dissolve it, growing closer to your partner in the process. When partners are willing to say “I’ll be totally honest about my insecure feelings and I trust you to hold me, and support my healing, WE fix ME. Then I unclamp and soften up to say YES to what you want!” It’s a virtuous spiral of generosity and expansion fueled by love.  To summarize:  You want something that makes me uncomfortable. You support me in healing so that I flourish AND you get what you want. Benefits are synergistic; each person benefits, as does the union itself. And beyond. Happy couples spread their example and good cheer to their family members, community and society at large. Don’t you want to be that couple?

The opposite is also true! If your partner expresses a desire that makes you uncomfortable and you say “No” you’re essentially saying “I don’t like the way this feels and I’d rather avoid the work of facing it than letting you have your needs met”. It passes the discomfort on to your partner. “I don’t want to deal with my shit so therefore you’ll have to live a smaller life.” The opposite of RichestFullest. (PoorestEmptiest. Doesn’t sound great, does it?)

Couples who have desire for growth and improvement in ANY domain (desire for more connection, sex & intimacy, professional growth, improved health, spiritual growth, more peace and ease, better self esteem, deeper friendships, greater participation in community, more freedom…) all grow and heal if they approach their relationships (to self and others) with wanting the RichestFullest life possible. “My love, I want to try this new thing. It may require us both to stretch. Can we approach it together?”

Here’s a rundown of some real life examples of couples I’ve worked with as a coach who’ve bravely explored their desires using the RichestFullest philosophy as a guiding principle:

• Loving but bored couples who are ready to expand their relationship into non-monogamy and don’t want to blow it up. Is there a way to do it without losing everything they care about?
• Newish couple; he discovers she’s got some financial debt to clean up. Is this a dealbreaker for the relationship or can he lend support and guidance to help her get out of debt? Which path would bring them closer?
• They’re a long distance married couple. She wants to open the relationship, he doesn’t. What will people think? What’s underneath his desire to avoid this exploration, and will creating greater security in the union allow them to open without problems?
• His sex drive is a 10. Hers is a 5. They are a great pair otherwise. Can he fulfill that need while holding her in the highest regard and secure partnership?
• Her career is skyrocketting. His is doing okay. Suddenly things are busy and there’s less time for family and household. How do they approach this in a way that allows the most growth and fulfillment?
• They’ve been together for fifteen years. Things got hard a decade ago with the first baby. There’s been resentment, coldness and fighting since then. But separating doesn’t seem like an option (kids, financial reasons). Can they reconnect to their love and highest hopes for each other?

When ANY uncomfortable situation arises, partners can either try to ignore, suppress or control things, or they can bend and stretch, be curious and empathetic, flexible and generous. This is the path to a full, loving life. This is RichestFullest.

Sounds impossible? Maybe you need some guidance. Reach out to me with your concerns  and I’ll help you find clarity and a path forward. It’s what I do. You don’t need to remain stuck.

Here are the steps:

1. Life will present challenges – other attractive people, professional blows, loss of sexual desire, craving for more connection…
2. The willingness to face difficult, uncomfortable or triggering realities in oneself and/or one’s partner, leads to.. 
3. Safety and trust in their partner’s support to name these difficulties and heal them. By peeling back the layers and uncovering deeply rooted beliefs and fears blocking the path… 
4. Partners will seek solutions that heal at the root and create space for the desire to be explored.
5. This generosity and empathy builds closeness. “You’ve got me and I’ve got you.”   

Okay, I’m going to sound harsh here. When someone lets their jealousy stop their partner from having an experience, it’s lazy and selfish. They’re not willing to be uncomfortable and examine the root so they pass the pain to their partner. This doesn’t mean everything should be a yes; boundaries are necessary sometimes. But the key is to be willing to face that discomfort, openly examine it with your partner, and conclude it. If the stopping energy is still there at the end, for a reason other than “I’m uncomfortable”, that’s ok – as long as the partners have determined a reason that feels aligned and fair according to their values (and vows, if written).  But often if the partners face and support each other there’s no reason to stop someone from fulfilling their desires, and mutual happiness/compersion may result!

“Honey I want to open the relationship – can I start dating Chad and stay at his house five nights a week and you can take over watching the kids and all our responsibilities at home because I’m obsessed with this new guy?” Probably not okay. You don’t need to agree to that or dig too hard to overcome your discomfort around it. It IS still worth discussing. But sticking with your No here is not selfish or a sign of avoidance. It’s still in line with RichestFullest. The goal is fair and loving accommodations. No doormats please. 

This is not an overnight process, it will change and develop with time. But your relationship bond is likely to increase, so it’s worth a try, right?

The core philosophy of RichestFullest provides a container for healing, aiming to get to the root cause (not just working with symptoms or current triggers). This:

• Builds deep, devotional closeness
• Allows for freedom of movement, ideas, interactions
• Supports full self expression and authenticity
• Fosters personal growth/expansion
• Creates ease (reduces or eliminates anxiety/fear)
• Is based in truth and integrity. Creates trust (no lying, no hiding, no secrets)
• Is synergistic; each individual benefits, the union benefits and adjacent relationships (family, community, society at large) benefit. Wow!
  

A lot of people think “This sounds good but it’s for other couples… my husband would never be open to non-monogamy” or “My wife gets so jealous, it’s hard to have difficult conversations with her.” Yes. This path requires courage. Discomfort. Change. It will be hard, but so is living a smaller life, hemmed in by your fears. Choose your hard.

What do you want for your relationship? 

Learn more at www.swoon.coach or reach out to Chloe for a free discovery call. Take the first step towards a richer, fuller life and the connection you desire and deserve.